DEAD INSIDE

I am dead inside. A hollow shell of nothing.

Self belief has abandoned me, self confidence has departed. Inspiration, motivation and patience are simply words. They don’t exist. Not in me.

I died at around 3.50 pm today. In 1 Merpati.

::Arriving is like entering a warzone.

Wei Xiang lies flat on the ground at the entrance shouting vulgarities in Mandarin while thumping his chest.

Stepping over him carefully, ignoring this bid for attention, I address the rest who were trying to slip out.

“Satiswaran, inside, now.”

“ Shyh Ting, masuk” . She mouthes “toilet” .“ No. I will let you out later. Get in first”

“Shun Xin, Jeremy, enough, come in”

Suddenly Wei Xiang jumps up from the floor and roars at Paakya from the class next door who had accidentally touched his huge log of a leg, in a bid to escape her own class.

Taking this as a clear form of attack, Wei Xiang rose to the challenge. Literally.

It is what he wants from the beginning, for someone to make the mistake of touching him. He wants this fight, he is ready for it. Like a heaving, clumsy giant he begins verbally slamming her with foul language and obscene gestures. Seeing the rage he flew in, you would think she had murdered his family. Bewildered and not understanding what has just happened, Pakyaa looks at him as if he is mad and hurries off, to play truant elsewhere.

My voice is so out of place, even I can’t hear it. As I physically try but fail to drag Wei Xiang by his humungous arms, out of nowhere, knowing absolutely nothing, Hui Ying storms out of the class, her heavy thuds heard a mile away. BoOM BOOM boOm...She too starts yelling at Pakyaa, screaming at her to get out! Get LOST! Go and Die!

I am just as confused as you are, Reader.

Her screams bring other curious teachers out of their classes. I turn my attention to Hui Ying now, and try to usher her in the class. If ever I thought I was strong, I was wrong. I am small and puny beside her. Physically pathetic and powerless beside this gargantuan girl, I barely budge her heavily perspiring body.

Her expression suddenly goes blank as if a light bulb goes off and she stomps back into class. Episode over.

 I follow her in.

Wei Xiang riding on his anger trip just now, feels he can do no wrong and charges about the class, ignoring my “teacher voice” telling him to take a seat. Finally I raise my voice and yell his name! This too is ignored.

I shrink inside. What else have I got?

Like an animal on the loose, he darts around, body still pumped with energy and playfully punches Shun Xin on the arm. Shun Xin shoots up and chases him halfway around the class. Mandarin vulgarities are being fired across the classroom.

As I stare in horror at this scene unfolding, Hui Ying, Rohaizat, Shyh Ting have all come up to me waving their passes, asking to go to the toilet. NO. NO. NO. Not now. I haven’t even started teaching. 

Sit down.

They trudge back, muttering.  

Ignoring the two boys chasing each other I try to get my class to focus.

“Text books, page 21”

I repeat this 10 times, in Malay and English, till everyone who has a book has it opened to the right page.

THWACKKKK

OWWWW!

Syafiq has twirled his scarf into a long thin whip and cracked it on Hamdan’s chest.

Right in front of me.

Hamdan snatches the bandana out of the offender’s hands and begins to furiously twirl it, his eyes ablaze with vengeance. Before he exacts his revenge, I demand for the weapon to be surrendered.

Syafiq begins to protest, as he is the owner of the offensive rag, and fears he will never see it again. As if I want to hold on to his sweaty, germy disgusting piece of fabric longer than 30 seconds.

30 seconds.

A lot can happen in 30 seconds.

1 Merpati has taught me that.

Pakyaa, tired of gallivanting decides to pop by and yell for Logasunthari.

I don’t know where I am anymore. My other rational senses are shutting down, and an insane rage is bubbling, boiling...

“GET OUT!!!” I thunder.

“Cikgu H panggil Loga” she replies “Cikgu mahu jumpa dia”

I walk to the door, and lower my voice to a whisper, “Cikgu can call me if she wants to see anybody. And if you are lying to me, I will make sure I wipe that smile off your face.” I am not sure how much of this is understood, because Pakyaa is still standing there grinning at me.

Out of the blue, a pen whizzes by my ears, aimed straight at Pakyaa, who manages to dodge it.

I know who threw it. But I ask anyway, looking carefully at Wei Xiang who is suddenly immensely interested in his textbook.

Luckily he has enough classmates who detest him, and Hui Hui gives him away

 “Wei Xiang, teacher!”

Wei Xiang, now revisits his anger and begins his loud abuses, egging Jeremy and Shun Xin to do the same. Afifah and Balqis join in, cursing at Pakyaa to leave.  

I successfully get rid of Pakyaa and shoo her back to class.

Page 21 seems so far away.

I begin reading. We have a choral reading session.

Choral reading: Frowned upon in the teaching community as a pointless activity that should be stopped.

Choral reading doesn’t help students to read.

There’s no way of monitoring their pronunciation.

How are they supposed to improve?

I don’t know. I don’t care.

They read.

And repeat

And read

And repeat.

And read

And repeat

And my heart beat relaxes a little.

We finish 2 sentences.

TWO amazing sentences before the bell rings.

"Thank you class.”

“Have a nice day.”

Jesus Christ, where is my motivation and passion? What has happened to my prayers of being a mentor and guide and loving teacher? How is it possible that I felt like murdering at least 5 students today? Jesus Christ, what are these kids going through in their lives that they act this way? How can I teach with such hate? Am I such a lousy teacher that they do not respect me? Where is my inspirational teacher movie moment? Am I cut out to be a teacher? I think not. Nope. Nope. Nope.